hello, have you called for an ambulance?
- yes we have
well come outside, we are here.

if you let someone borrow $20 and never see them again, maybe it was worth it

- Excuse me, do you know what time it is?
- Yes, I know.
- Thanks.

Looking for a sponsor to publish a book titled: "Ten ways to make a million dollars".

- How can you make money if you have a computer?
- Sell your computer.

- Hello, yesterday I bought a very powerful vacuum cleaner from you...
- Please speak louder, I can't hear you
- See, I am calling you from inside the vacuum cleaner...

FUNNY CRAIGSLIST AD

I am seeking a beautician/stylist who will give me a shampoo once a week. I will either pay you 50 for each shampoo (i like hour long shampoo) or exchange lingerie for your service. There are no strings attached to this shampoo other than I like to be nude while being shampooed. You need not be. It will be appreciated if you have the ability to converse as I would like this as a on going once a week situation with the right woman

- I like that runner's cute red scarf...
- That's not a scarf, that's his tongue...

I watch TV so often that news anchors recognize me.

- Houston, this is Flight Unit #27, we have a problem, our main computer is down, what should we do?
- Flight Unit #27, this is Houston, play on the reserve, repeat: play on the reserve...