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the BEST craigslist post ever!

Ok let's get the weight requirement out of the way right away. I like skinny girls. If you're over 120lbs., it's just not going to work.

Next, you can't be a smoker. Nothing worse than kissing a smoker with fish breath. If you are trying to quit or wearing the patch, I will make an exception.

You can't have kids. I'm not looking for a single mom who needs a babysitter.

If you're a flakey bitch, FUCK OFF. IMMEDIATELY. I hate flakey bitches.

Those are all my major requirements.

If you're active and like moving around, hiking, playing tennis (or willing to learn), etc. that's great because I'm an athletic guy. I'm also pretty tall, so if you need anything off the top shelf in the supermarket, I can probably reach it.

I don't mind if you complain about things. I actually think it's cute sometimes. But acting like a man is NOT CUTE. In fact it's fucking annoying as hell which is why I hate 99% of American women. They try to be the boss. I'm the motherfucking boss-- I'm the guy. You're the girl. If you are some raging fucking feminazi, you can fuck off and die. Hopefully you will get hit by a slow moving tractor and your bones will get crushed, and I'll put a cup near your eyeballs so when the aqueous humor squirts out, I'll mix it with Midori & Coconut milk and have myself a Crushed Cunt Creme (it's a new drink I just invented) and get drunk off of your agony.

So remember: acting like a woman = very good. Acting like a man = butch dyke annoying lesbian feminazi who needs to die a slow painful death.

Oh almost forgot. You should LOVE sex. If you don't love sex, you can also FUCK OFF. There will be sex everywhere. Sex in the jacuzzi. Sex on the beach under blankets. Sex against kitchen counters. Sex on your grandma's coffin. Sex in the car (including road head.) Sex against buildings. Sex against doors. Sex in the shower. Sex in the morning. Sex at night. Sex during and after fights. Sex with green eggs & ham. Sex in your mouth.

Some people will define their relationships by how many hugs they perform per hour or how many kids they send to college. Ours will be defined by how many neighbors are forced to move because of your uncontrollable screaming sounds.

You should be able to make something involving fire, a pan and meat & vegetables. Or you should be willing to pick up a cookbook and figure something out. If you can't cook, you must give the most amazing blowjobs that I forget to ask. But I will probably not forget to ask because eating food that a girl cooked for me actually makes me pretty happy. I would like to get a camera, a cooking camera, and just take pictures of the finished dishes and make a photo album about all the things you cooked for me. That would be hot. And I would label each meal like, "Gyros. Made on Saturday with cute little cucumber dressing. Gives me a hardon."

It would be preferred but not required if you had some kind of major vice like... you are an alcoholic or you used to be a baby seal hunter or you beat kittens or you were a skanky stripper. If you are too perfect, we probably won't get along because I don't like people that have intact family lives or lack of personal tragedies. Whenever people ask if I'm close to my family, I want to punch them in the cunt. It would be cute if your family abandoned you in a refrigerator box or tried to drown you with some puppies by throwing you in a burlap sack and tossing you into the river but somehow you escaped and swam to California via the Mississippi River (Wait do they even connect? Nobody asked your opinion. I was thinking out loud.)

Oh and you can't have cats or dogs because I already have a dog and usually girls buy dogs that are too big because they feel unprotected. You have 2 options here.. well 3 actually:

1) You can be pet free and fall in love with mine instead to make up for the pet shortage. They are small but together they act like a big dog like Voltron when you put all the parts together you get one big motherfucker protector dog.

2) I can run over your dog and pretend it was an accident, or I can take it down to an animal shelter and tell them it has rabies, so they'll put it to sleep. Then I can fuck you on the couch to comfort you in your time of loss.

3) You can fuck the fuck off and not fucking bother me with how many times your cat meowed today you fucking crazy cat bitch.

Oh and if you wear a lot of makeup, I will bring a fire hose when I see you, so I can wash it off. Clown makeup pisses me off. Most girls don't know that they already look great just by their natural beauty. You should be insecure enough to want to wear it because everyone makes you feel ugly. But willing enough to let me be your security blanket and make you feel beautiful.

Oh yeah one last important thing. I'm not looking for a girl with high self-esteem. In the guy world, we like to refer to girls like this as: "CUNTS," "BITCHES," "FUCKING STUPID CUNTS," or "STUPID CRACKWHORE BITCHES." I want you to be vulnerable enough that you feel like you need me and want to depend on me because I can do more things than you can. Yes I will be smarter and stronger than you. But I will also depend on you and need you because you are the person that makes me happy. If you don't get that, you're a feminazi bitch and you can fuck off and die a slow death.

Also you should wear cute socks because I like it when girls wear cute socks.

Addendum: It's become painfully apparent that I need to add a stupidity clause in here. There are so many dumb girls out there who can't figure out the reason why they invented the phone in the first place: it's called getting to know you.. If you can't talk on the phone, don't email me you fucking idiot. Why would I want to be your russian pen pal? Go away and get eaten by a polar bear.

throw your pic over and your number. if you're not hideous, i'll see what i can do about gettin back to you.